i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
