my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
