this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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