so explain again why im purple
no
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
