dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
