How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
