you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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