I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
