masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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