A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
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