new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
