I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
