just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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