I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
