sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize