i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
