yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She told me I should be a condom model.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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