I'm jealous of your bromance
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
