I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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