I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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