Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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