After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
