We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Randomize
