Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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