On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
