I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
