remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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