I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize