i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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