I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Did I show you my penis last night?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
