I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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