Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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