Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
