I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
