So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Houston, we have a squirter
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I AM VODKA MAN
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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