dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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