my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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