I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
