Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
