I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
