i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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