I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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