Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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