Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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