Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
