I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
there's paper in my vomit.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
