he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
