I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
