On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
