So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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