your room smells of hookers.
And success
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize