i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
