why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
