Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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