his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
