I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
