Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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