i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
