is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
