I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
