I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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