The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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