I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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