I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
